Grass cutting fun

In today's society, there are two groups of people — ones who get paid to cut grass and ones who cut grass only because it's their duty to the country. Actually there's a third, smaller group of people, composed mostly of apartment dwellers, kids and travel agents. But they, too, have either had to cut the grass or will in the future.

What are fireworks salespeople up to now anyway?

Nomads have wandered through cities during the last two weeks, sold their goods and departed for lands of milk and honey.

They don't leave a trail, but their wares do – usually ashes, perhaps a foul-smelling odor but always a glowing experience.

Fireworks salespeople have rigorous lives. I recently caught up with one such seller, Smokin' Joe Romancandle. What follows is his normal day:

6 a.m. Wakes up, sings the "Star-Spangled Banner," eats a Pop-Tart and brushes his teeth.

Shark cartilage possesses a mean bite

Last month I was in Wal-Mart, and I aimlessly wandered into the vitamin aisle. There were hundreds of nutritional supplement items, but one caught my attention – shark cartilage.

Unfortunately, the label contained little information pertaining to what the product actually does, such as make one lose weight or grow a dorsal fin.

As a kid, I used to see "Jaws" on my wall at bedtime. Now I see health companies trying to withhold routine information on Jaws' cousins.

Can you keep a secret?

Can you keep a secret?

Last week, I met with a special agent from the Department of Defense. I had my shrubbery costume ready (luckily, there were no dogs around), but it wasn't necessary. The agent led me into a room in the Crawfordsville Armory, looked both ways and closed the door. The questioning was ready to begin.

Truth, justice and the Southern way

Anyone fed up with the government? Ready to turn in your "Made in the U.S.A." clothing? You could have a chance to do just that — if you move south.

Southern Party organizers have registered with the secretaries of state in Florida, Georgia, Texas and Virginia, according to the Associated Press. The party hopes to establish ties in all former Confederate States plus six border states and eventually secede from the Union, a la the Civil War.

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Random News

Test your compatibility with celebrities

If you were greatly anticipating my column this week, I have something a little

different than normal in store for you. Actually, if you are really anticipating

my column ANY week, I recommend you seek professional help, because that is

not normal.

I have created a simple compatibility test, which matches you, the

reader with

you, the movie star/singer. If you are one of the 12 selected celebrities

who are on the list, and you find out you are not compatible with yourself,

it's

Find love -- it's right there, under the sink

"Believe it or not, I'd rather clean a bathroom than watch a football game."
-- whatever man said this would probably prefer to remain anonymous

I'll give you three guesses to determine where I found this quote. No, not the bakery. No, not the thesaurus. Yes, an online dating service!

Crazy survey comments

Comments

LALALALALALALALALHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHALALALALLALALALALALALAL
HAHAHAHAHAHAHALALALALALA

Hey Ben, I think you might be a little crazy, :) Did you ride the short schoolbus when you went to school? :)

I think this Bed Woods person is the one who's crazy. I mean, who would make such a survey?!

Should I really worry about the black helicopters flying over Utah?

Everyone is crazy but thee and me, and thee more than me.

Making great bagels takes patience and Phil Collins

I'm not ashamed to say I like to cook. I rarely do cook, though, because I never seem to have enough time, or enough energy, or the dog ate my homework.

Some of the stuff I cook, I make up as I go. Other things I've borrowed from my mom, and the rest I pull out of my cookbook. I never thought of looking up recipes on the Web, because if I had time to do that, why wouldn't I just pull a recipe out of the cookbook?

Do your friends REALLY know you?

If you're like me, you receive a large number of forwarded emails from friends;

many of them are funny, many are factually incorrect and many are just pointless.

Then again, if you are like me, you have worn an eye patch for the eighth consecutive

year at Halloween, but that's beside the point.

Another popular email forward are those in which people list a bunch of questions

about themselves. They might mention their favorite food, their middle name,

their favorite smell, anything that could help you understand who they are,

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