Brush, but not too hard

There's nothing worse than people complaining about a product because it works too well.

For instance, there's glue. Try using that stuff that holds elephants from a trapeze by their teeth. If you accidentally glue the elephant's ear to the swing, the immobile animal will be stuck forever.

Another example is plastic wrap. You try to wrap something in it, but the stuff just clings together. Being persistent, you try to unwrap it. But the static forces that bind the universe won't allow a simple tug to do the trick.

Buy now.. low price... lifetime guarantee

One big disadvantage working at night is the television quality when I arrive home. Sometimes there could be a "Perfect Strangers" rerun or two, and possibly an old game show, but most channels are overrun by infomercials.

Webster defines an infomercial as "a long television commercial, often made to resemble a talk show, educational demonstration, interview, etc." Kudos to Webster's assessment. The only words missing from the definition are "trash," "ridiculous" and "cheap."

Now's the time to become a pirate

There are a plenty of new careers and opportunities these days, yet you rarely see anyone entering the piracy field. Some people have invented their own versions of a shipwrecked pirate - stealing stereos, hacking into computer files, playing baseball in Pittsburgh - but few take their chances on the high seas.

On the other hand, the Assocated Press said pirates killed more people in 1998 than the year before. The International Maritime Bureau reported Malaysian pirates, who killed 67 crewmen last year, are "getting increasingly violent."

Pirates? Violent?

Peeps do not fare well when put to the test

Easter has come and gone like a gypsy caravan once again, but one thing still remains — Easter candy. Checking expiration dates on bags and containers, 1999 Easter candy should last until 2450. People decide to buy candy following the holiday in hopes of big bargains.

A specific type of candy has intrigued many and plagued worldwide analysists with a simple question, "What is a Peep?"

Baseball and math add up

Today we will discuss a simple mathematical equation.

Baseball = Life

On the surface, it's a pretty simple equation. But it can be expanded to read the following: stitches/323(Yankees) * Concession stands^3+tickets - 37(fungoes) = Life

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Being Bill Gates has its drawbacks

Maybe it's nice to be the wealthiest person in the world. I guess it would be nice to have a full-time maid or someone to butter a piece of toast for me, if that's what rich people do these days. But you may want to think again about being rich when you hear the number of spam messages that Bill Gates gets every day.

You guessed it ... I'm still here

I'm running out of ideas for different welcome columns. It seems as if I write more welcome columns than actual columns about computers or humor or computer humor or large chameleons.

Latest reviews

Since the comments page is getting pretty full, I decided that I should pull out some of the newer items on occasion. Here are the two most recent reader reviews for "The Developers."

Anyway, great book. I love any fiction books that can keep me interested in the plot and characters. Awesome pop culture references.

I'm really getting into the characters. I think you do a great job in setting up the characters, their pasts, etc. You are good at writing women, by the way. How did you learn how to do that?

She was, indeed, a smooth operator

It turns out that the first paragraph of my book is a fraud! You would probably think this is a bad thing, but it seems to keep the media running toward Dan Brown and Kaavya Viswanathan, so maybe I should try to publicize this as well. The only problem is that I didn't lift passages from my favorite author or pretend to invent a biblical conspiracy. I just made up something that never happened on "Andy Griffith."

RSS feed for benwoods.com now available

I finally have an RSS feed for my site available. In the near future, you will notice an RSS button just below the navigation on benwoods.com as well as thedevelopersbook.com for The Developers. For now, however, you can also pick up the feed by clicking here.

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