We live in a world where we expect things to improve and evolve, like finding cures for fatal diseases, building structures to withstand the fiercest storms and attempting to select a new singer for the band INXS. Yet, despite all of these advances (OK, INXS' original singer wasn't bad), the majority of people on the highway still have no freakin' clue how to drive.
First, let me make it clear that obviously, I'm not talking about YOU. You know how to drive. You use your signals, pass on the right and yield to pedestrians, as well as the occasional porcupine. But you're in the minority. In fact, you're the ONLY person who actually knows how to drive. Unfortunately, the guy next to you (with a bumper sticker that reads "INXS groupie on board") doesn't realize you are gracing his presence. Well, he didn't until you cut him off and flipped him the bird, but that's another story.
So why do all drivers (but you) suck? Did they not take drivers' ed? Are they blind and/or inept at operating a vehicle? Are they too busy watching the drivel known as Reality TV? Probably all of the above, but let's start with the real problem. People have been driving poorly since just before the fall of the Roman Empire. You might recall from your world history class how Emperor Constantine, worried that his soldiers dwelt too often about people attacking from behind, ordered all rearview mirrors removed from his army's chariots. Of course we know how this ended ... after he spread Christianity throughout the western half of the empire, he executed his oldest son and wife because they were bad drivers. This caused an extraordinary amount of chaos on the roads, at least until Henry Ford came around and screwed it up even worse.
First off, Ford didn't invent the assembly line. He was, however, the first businessman to convince a bunch of people to work for peanuts in unison. Well, at least the slaves who built the pyramids could be killed instead of working. And they had those cute little white hoodies too.
As we fast forward to today, we see a multitude of obnoxious drivers on the freeways, carelessly speeding up then slowing down, running stoplights, causing wrecks and generally wreaking havoc. People are impatient, true, but there should be a fine line between getting somewhere five minutes late and arriving six minutes late. Do people really expect to make up so much time by cutting someone off in traffic? I'd like to propose a few helpful exercises you can administer when impatience consumes your thoughts:
1. Close your eyes and take a deep breath: NO MORON, NOT WHILE ACCELERATING ... AT A RED LIGHT ... sorry for yelling.
2. Check the scenery around you: Maybe out the window there's a national forest, a building burning down or a hot guy or girl next to you. Be sure not to rubberneck while moving, but notice how uncomfortable people look when you stare at them.
3. Search the seats for loose change: If you're a bus driver, add 10 points for every coin you find past the fifth row.
4. Flip radio stations: I like to attempt to find the same song playing on three channels at once. Nickelback's "How You Remind Me" and various versions of "Jingle Bell Rock" are previous winners.
Another thing people can't seem to get enough of in their vehicles is chatting on their cell phones. Those people are slowly becoming the bane of my existence. It's understandable if you're not in traffic, or if you're not going 85 in a 35, to use your phone. Even using a hands-free solution is a bit safer. I also realize the need for using the phone if, for instance, there is a burning building out your window.
The most insane thing about bad drivers is not that they are idiots. Do they understand how much money they could save by not running their cars into the ground? Not only that, but by driving the limit on the highways, instead of 200 miles per hour over it, drivers will save gas, which can't be bad at the present time, as fuel is almost more expensive than lutetium (atomic number 71, for those of you keeping score at home). And if you're sick of paying those prizes anyway, visit greasecar.com and convert your vehicle to use vegetable oil. Sure, your car might smell like the local restaurant's french fries, but hey, maybe that will put those bad drivers into a calmer state.
It's feasible the whole bad driving thing doesn't really exist, and it's just a matter of people feeling the urge to compete with each other and arrive someplace first. It's possible I'm stuck in the middle of a NASCAR race, and it always seems as if Junior tops Jeff Gordon, at least according to the decals in the windows. Unfortunately, I can never find where I'm supposed to make a pit stop.
There are plenty of solutions to bad driving. A practical thing would be to have graduated driver's licenses. Think of it as a master's or doctorate in driving. After a certain period of time without a ticket or wreck (let's say three years), you receive an elevated license. If you continue driving well, you can earn a better license, one that even includes a Scratch 'n' Sniff sticker. Graduated licenses allow drivers who qualify to earn breaks on car insurance and maybe an occasional VIP pass to the nearest Nickelback concert. It seems reasonable to award those rare good drivers with lower insurance rates, right?
While this isn't possible everywhere, an improved mass transit system would benefit larger cities as well. Whether it's light rail, extended bus routes or simply more carpool lanes, these items will reduce traffic, which in theory, should reduce instances of bad driving. Major metropolitan areas lacking in these areas need to focus on long-term goals to defeat highway problems. Traffic patterns change periodically, so the local government could spend a little more time alleviating bad spots.
The future, however, is electro-cars, which drive themselves based on GPS. The idea behind the European Galileo system is that a person could call for a vehicle and ride along until requesting a stop, somewhat like a taxi. Because the satellite system keeps track of all the cars, there's no need to leave it at a certain area. The samples look futuristic, but apparently they haven't applied the NASCAR decals just yet.
With bad drivers taking over the roads, it's time for everyone else to fight back. It's OK if you feel as if you're the only one doing your part. Even Constantine wanted to be an Earnhart, of course, if he would have been allowed to have a last name.
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