You won't find these terms on ESPN

For those of you who huge basketball fans, here's a little breather from March Madness. All right, maybe you don't need a break from the action, but seriously, it's Monday. There are no NCAA games today. Even Dick Vitale takes a day off.

It's time to check out Webopedia and learn a few new words. Now remember, I'm using new and improved definitions of these words here. If you want to know what Webopedia says the definition really is, just click the word. If you are satisfied with my defintion, send me some money so I can go to the Final Four. If you send me enough, I'll take you with me!

So here are the new computer terms you must recite at least four times before the NCAA tournament is finished:

Allocated memory -- Most coaches keep just enough allocated memory to remember their team's performances this year, but not in previous years. This is usually a strength because past teams almost always have different players. Unfortunately, Big East coaches seem to be short occasionally on RAM.

UNC -- For the first time that I can remember, North Carolina missed the tournament. What happened? I guess the naming format just didn't work for the Tar Heels this season.

Cursor position -- Also known as the coach's box, the cursor position is the area where the coach is allowed to yell profanities at his players and, more importantly, the officials. Some coaches, including Bob Knight at Texas Tech and Bob Huggins at Cincinnati, like to expand the cursor position to include basically the entire gym.

Snarf -- If a normal human eats a lot of food really fast, it's called "scarf." In the case of overweight sportswriters covering NCAA tournament games and feasting on NCAA buffets, "snarf" is applied. Sometimes sportswriters get so carried away that they often times eat their own pens, notepads and computers have to resort to using another writer's story without his permission.

802.11 -- You might remember this term from the hit TV show "Denver, Colorado, 80211." 802.11 is the average number of points scored by Sweet 16 winners. Lancaster (Wireless LAN) Gordon led Louisville to the Sweet 16 and beyond twice.

POP -- When the bubble bursts and your favorite team is sent to the NIT. This year, it happened to Butler. Georgetown has had this problem two years in a row, so if the Hoyas fail to make it to the Big Dance next year, they will be in for a POP3.

5-4-3 rule -- This rule is best applied to a fullcourt press: You have five guys on the court; four of the players should be in the frontcourt; and if the person with the ball gets in front of three of your players, it's a fastbreak. As long as two nodes, or defenders, stay between the ball and the basket, the press can be successful.

Stored procedure -- One of the many set plays a team might run during a game. When a play is modified, it is important for the coach to make sure all the clients (players) have received the new version of the play. Sometimes this occurs at a 30-second timeout and usually involves a lot of screaming. (See cursor position)

Alpha channel -- Isn't it obvious? The best channel during the tournament is CBS, closely followed by ESPN. This is one year you don't want these channels to be transparent or act as masks.

Zombie -- This is what you turn into by the time the tournament is over ... watching every single game, breaking down every single basket, trip up the court, etc. It's even more destructive when combined with the DePaul Blue Daemons, but luckily, they didn't make the tournament this year.

Don't forget to click on the words to see the actual meanings of this words. Unless, of course you like definitions better. Hey, you be the referee! If only the NCAA tournament were the same.